I’m a big believer in honesty and being honest, both to myself and others. So, in the interest of full and frank (and perhaps too personal for some) disclosure, I’ve been feeling kind of crappy the past few days; far far too much time spent at the ‘pity party’. If I were to distill my recent woes and worries into a few words, I guess you could say I’ve been feeling big, fat and slow.

Big. Now I know I’m not ‘Biggest Loser’ big, but, I’m a whole lot bigger than a lot of girls. Yes, a great deal of me is muscle, and I know I’m not supposed to get hung up on what the scale says (muscle being more dense than fat and all that!), but I do. It may be stupid, but I do.

Fat. This is closely linked to ‘Big’ above. I know I’ve gained muscle in the past few years, but, in the interest of being honest and not kidding (or lying to) myself, I’ve also gained fat – there’s definitely more ‘jiggle’ than there used to be! I know my nutrition hasn’t always been as good as it should or could have been; far too much chocolate (ice cream, pizza, biscuits, etc.)!

Slow. Nothing like running to hammer home just how slow you are! Whether ‘true’ or not, feeling ‘big and fat’ certainly doesn’t make me feel fleet of foot! On one level being heavier does make running more challenging (x times your BW with each foot strike…), but I’m convinced that for me, it’s also become a bit of an excuse – ie ‘I’m bigger and heavier than your ‘average’ girl, so of course I’m going to run slower than your average girl’.

Doing a bit of a tidy up yesterday, I came across a notebook. Not just any notebook, but my training diary from 2012. All too keen to take a break from tidying (it’s no coincidence my first word was “mess” not Mama!!), I started looking through the notebook. Looking at the entries, I found myself starting to smile. Wow! Have I really added 44kg to my Deadlift? A 1RM back squat of 95kg? I squatted that for 20 reps last week! 8 unbroken double unders was a PB? They’re still not strong, but they’re a lot better! I couldn’t do HSPUs; not even 1. Talk about bringing a bit more perspective to my recent thinking. Yeah, I’m 10-15lbs heavier than I was two years ago, but I’m a heck of a lot stronger. I haven’t done a lot of running during these years, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised it’s not a big strength. The notebook got me thinking, from ‘big, fat and slow’ to becoming ‘stronger, fitter, faster’.

I guess sometimes it’s necessary to look back to see how far you’ve come, instead of spending all your time looking ahead to where you want to be. Constantly focusing on the future without regard for the past, seems far more likely to lead to frustration than motivation for success. One eye on past progress, one eye on possible potential.